I Wouldn’t Marry Him Until He Cleared His Debt

I wouldn t marry him until – I wouldn’t marry him until – Sarah Reeve gave her fiancé Lee a clear ultimatum when they got engaged: he needed to pay off his debt before she would say yes. The couple have been together for 25 years and have always maintained a joint bank account. “I was paying my mortgage and bills whereas he was giving his mum some rent,” Sarah explains about their situations when they first met in their early 20s. “I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he had any debts,” says the 45-year-old.

Setting a Financial Foundation

They decided on a wedding date two years ahead, giving Lee time to clear the £2,000 bank loan – worth £4,000 in today’s money – that he had taken out to purchase a car. Once Lee’s debt was settled, the couple began putting everything into a joint account. Sarah took charge of bills, savings, and budgeting. “He said ‘you can sort it all out and take charge with money because I’m rubbish with it,'” she recalls.

Sarah’s experience mirrors a broader trend, with more than four-fifths of women actively managing daily finances like day-to-day spending and household budgeting, according to St James’s Place’s Women and Wealth Report. Sarah earns £24,000 working part-time in insurance, while Lee worked in maintenance at the same factory for 27 years, earning approximately £26,000, before being made redundant four years ago. He now works for himself in property maintenance and earns about £30,000.

“It’s very much our money rather than mine or yours which is really nice especially as I took four years off work when we had children,” Sarah says.

The couple, who have two daughters aged 19 and 21, have always viewed money as shared. After getting out of debt, Sarah says she and Lee have never overstretched themselves and have made regular overpayments on their mortgage. “We’ve also always been savers – well, I’ve been the saver for us,” she adds. Every month Sarah writes down how much money is in their accounts. “That really helps as if we’ve had a bad month, at least you know and can find the reason.”

Family Action, a charity offering financial support to families, notes that when money is tight the first step “is getting a clear picture of what’s going on as this helps you understand your current position so you can make the best decisions possible together going forward”.

Building Confidence in Financial Decisions

But being the financially responsible one has not always been easy. Sarah wishes Lee would take more ownership as “I feel like it’s all down to me,” she says. She explains that Lee is not money-orientated and is happy for her to make the decisions. “He says, ‘I met you and I had nothing, so I don’t care if I have nothing,'” she shares.

Sarah felt the pressure of planning for their future. They had “a little pot of money” but “I never knew what to do with it, I didn’t have the confidence and I wouldn’t even know where to start,” she admits. St James’s Place’s research of 6,000 people found only 44% of women feel confident making changes to investments on their own, compared with 63% of men.

After her widowed mother saw a financial adviser, Sarah decided to seek advice herself. “I thought deep down that I didn’t have enough money to see a financial adviser. In my mind, I thought you needed half a million to do that.” The adviser talked through their spending, attitude to risk and future costs, including holidays, a new car and home improvements.

“You have to think about a goal, what you want and how you’re going to get there,” Sarah reflects.

Sarah says this made her feel more secure and helped shift their thinking from day-to-day saving to longer-term planning. She says their daughters have absorbed her attitude towards money. Her eldest saved while working part-time at Waitrose and has bought her first home. Sarah has spoken to her about overpaying on the mortgage and protecting herself financially now that her boyfriend has moved in. “We’ve rubbed off on them,” Sarah says. “My daughters will probably end up being more in control of their money.” Looking back, Sarah says the biggest lesson is not to ignore debt or assume money habits will simply sort themselves out.