The Surprising Reality of How Teenage Girls Still Define Themselves

A vibrant, hand-drawn sign affixed to a private room’s door reads “GIRLS ONLY,” “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” [sic], and with a playful twist, “don’t worry boys!” The notice is adorned with bright hearts and stars, creating a cheerful yet distinct atmosphere. When I entered a large round table at DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, a dozen girls were already engaged in a spirited card game. Laughter and chatter filled the space as pizza was ordered, marking the start of an encounter that became part of my Radio 4 series About The Girls. Over the course of the project, I spoke to approximately 150 girls, the majority aged 13 to 17, and the discussions at that table mirrored many of the themes that emerged.

These young women were sharp, talkative, witty, and intellectually vibrant. Their conversations touched on ambitions for the future (“I want a fridge that can hold a vase and be a doctor!”), deep affection for friends (“I can confide in her completely”), and a clear sense of responsibility toward family (“I go to town to top up my Nan’s electric. I love looking after her.”). Topics ranged from the card game, school dynamics, teachers they admired or disliked, social media trends, and even debates over the number of cheese slices in a Cheese Feast. The girls were unafraid to voice their thoughts, and the exchanges felt oddly reminiscent of the Bechdel Test—a measure of female representation in films requiring at least two named women to discuss something unrelated to men. Yet none of my interviews would pass this standard.

Girls and Boys: A Persistent Dynamic

As part of my exploration, I also conducted interviews with teenage boys for my earlier series About The Boys. Amid the backdrop of the pandemic, the #MeToo movement, and the cultural attention on Andrew Tate, I was eager to understand how girls perceived their identities. The girls proved to be thoughtful, articulate, and courageous, yet a recurring pattern emerged: their self-perception was deeply tied to how boys viewed or treated them. This theme persisted across all conversations, often beginning with the phrase “Well, boys think/say/want/feel….”

“Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating,” one girl shared.

Alison Harbor, the manager at the youth centre, observed the girls’ openness with delight. “The boys at the club are quite vocal and confident in expressing their opinions. Today, the girls were the same!” she noted. However, she highlighted a concern: “My worry is that they usually internalise a lot of their troubles…” Despite their candor, the irony was that the girls often described how they adjust their behavior in mixed company. They aimed to avoid being seen as “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird,” striving to be “smaller and quieter” to align with societal expectations.

Teachers of girls noted similar patterns, describing them as “keeping their heads down” or “not making a fuss.” Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, echoed these findings in her own research. She explained: “There is certainly a pressure we heard from young women around that—translating into a need to be polite and respectful, and a sense that their behavior expectations were”