What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old receptionist from Belfast, returned to work the day after her third miscarriage. Two managers, whom she claims were aware of her experience, delivered remarks she found deeply painful. One female manager noted that her miscarriage occurred early in the pregnancy, while a male manager remarked on her appearance at the reception desk. ‘I was in shock,’ Vicky recalls, before resigning on her next shift.

Over the years, Vicky has encountered well-intentioned but misguided statements from friends and family, such as ‘it’ll be your turn soon’ or ‘just hold on to hope.’ She also recalls being offered advice, which, while meant to be comforting, left her feeling more distressed. ‘I know they’re trying to bring comfort,’ she explains, ‘but in the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.’

“You’re met with really poor words from people,” says Kay, 33, from Manchester, in a discussion about navigating conversations around infertility. The majority of ill-judged comments aren’t intentional, she adds, but they can come across as insensitive.

According to the NHS, approximately one in seven couples face challenges in conceiving. In the UK, over 50,000 patients underwent IVF cycles in 2023, where eggs are fertilized in a lab and the embryo is implanted in the uterus. However, those undergoing fertility treatment often find it difficult to discuss their experiences with loved ones.

Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, shares that initial hesitation to share her fertility struggles stems from a sense of embarrassment. ‘There’s a sense of embarrassment,’ she says, ‘because that is what your body’s meant to do, so you feel like you’re failing yourself.’ Similarly, Asiya Dawood, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, notes that in some South Asian communities, women who don’t conceive quickly after marriage face constant questioning. ‘You’re questioned about being womanly enough,’ she adds, explaining that relatives often blame the wife for prioritizing her career or not marrying young enough.

Asiya withdrew from friends and family during her struggles, tired of the relentless comments. ‘I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,’ she says. She emphasizes that asking for help is sometimes seen as a ‘sign of weakness,’ but experts argue that opening up is crucial. Joyce Harper, a reproductive science professor at University College London (UCL), highlights the emotional toll of infertility treatment. ‘The treatment itself is a roller coaster, and then the days when you get that period or you’ve had your embryo transfer back; there are so many times when it becomes really difficult,’ she explains.

Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, suggests that support doesn’t always come from familiar circles. ‘It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,’ she notes. She encourages individuals to seek professional counseling, available at UK clinics including NHS facilities. ‘People going through fertility treatment have access to counsellors,’ Prince says, ‘and I recommend using that service.’

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, offers a contrasting example. ‘I’ve had incredible support from friends and family throughout my fertility journey,’ she shares. After experiencing miscarriages, people visited her, brought food and flowers, and gifted vouchers for restaurants ‘to just have a break.’ Her parents even sent her flowers for Mother’s Day. Elena points out that small gestures, like texts acknowledging her feelings, can be just as meaningful as larger acts.